Note to anyone reading this
This is the bible of the snail .... Rather oddly named since so far there has yet to be even a cameo of a snail. Dont ask, The name is based off a shirt my cousin made. A few years later I told people that I worshipped snails in response to them asking me if I worshipped the devil. (I didnt fit the homiegangstawannabe profile that was trendy back then, so obviously I mustve been a devil worshipper) Eventually In High School, I decided to make a bible of the snail for english class. This version you are reading was made a few years after that. I added in as much as I could remember of the original version and added a few others. (The original had a revelations, and some stories as the 4 year old king, something about the demons nog and eggnog, etc) I will probably add to the collection when I am in a weird mood, but anyways, Enjoy

Introduction (Genesis?) 1:1
A Long time ago in eternal nothingness there was the bord. The Bord was an only child of two rather rich nothings that spoiled theyre Nothinglet a tad too much. Bord was.... well Bored i mean none of the other nothings had nothing to do with him. So Bord got with playing with some Lincoln Logs , legos, and space dust. He created a completly working ecological system with living beings, water, etc.(and who says you cant create anything with legos) He named it earth. Dont ask why he named it that.. he just did. and he said.. Let there be light.. and there was ... and it glared on my screen like a mother fucker.

Genesis (or Playstation) 1:2
The First Beings he created were these Lizards called Dinosaurs, he quicky grew bored of them i mean theyre LIZARDS!! what the fuck to lizards do interesting.. they eat, get suntans, and stress out when put on pink paper! how exciting... soon Dinosaurs became extinct.

Genesis (Was a bad gaming platform anyway) 1:3
Dissapointed in the Lack of anything in this realm (except an alarming amount of walking fish) and desperately wanting to keep the Fucking fish IN THE FUCKING WATER, he decided to make some monkeys to eat these Heretic walking fish. So First he made an Overgrown salad and grew two people in it.

Genesis (The Band didnt do much better I might add) 1:4
So he Gave the two people Adam and Eve. Despite what people think there were no snakes involved (he was still pissy about the Lizard Fiasco) and they hit it off rather well.. they married Read "Sex for Dummies" and had a beautiful Daughter named Lucy.

My EX Dissed me (Exodis) 2:1
well Lucy was so beautiful that Bord had to hit that shit. so he eventually made her immortal and married her. things went well until about 100 years later. Eventually Lucy became pissed because The Bord wasnt paying attention to her and instead just played with his planet. After Divorce Procedings Lucy got half of his possesions including half of the mortal Universe. She Since changed back to her Maiden Name Lucy Phyr. (Yes I know that was lame)

EX(odis) 2:2
During this time The Bord came totally obsessed with his planet, He gave all the bad ones to Lucy because by this time he hated his Ex wife. He Implemented some real Anal Rules about going to His Realm or his Wifes realm after death. He Demanded Sacrifices a lot. an exaple of this: There was a poor Couple, the Farmer types, and due to his alchoholism he was impotent. They prayed to the Bord for a child. He said one would come, 50 years later they got impatient and Sued The Bord for Misleading Advertising. The Case got Dismissed as it turned out the Wife WAS pregnant. (they got the colors mixed up in the home pregnancy Test) But The Bord not liking Lawyers very much was Angry. He Demanded that they Sacrifice this newborn, as it costed The Bord a shitload in Lawyer fees. He gave him a location for the sacrifice to take place (in a real big mansion with Ghosts and RedRum written on the walls) The Ghosts gave him instructions on how the sacrifice was going to take place. At the Last Minute The Bord Bailed out the Lucky Tike and Gave Him a sheep to sacrifice instead (He desperately wanted to get a message to Nickelodian that Lambchop HAD to go!) .. Unfortunately things didnt go exactly as planned and the Farmer started to have sex with the sheep! He thought this was funny at first but when the trend started spreading he was a tad worried .... the human race wasnt reproducing much when Men were going after their Farm Animals and the Women were left with eachother, while they didnt MIND this arraingement. it wasnt helping the Human race much... something needed to be done... fast!

Dis is an Ode to my Ex 2:3
Deciding he needed to give the world a Facelift he decided to Flood the World.. He grouped a bunch of people that were actually paying attention to theyre own Species (contrary to most chistian belifs he doesnt give a rats ass about sexuality, as long as Humans keep reproducing every once in a whike And arent falling in love with the Other animals) Stuck Two of each kinds of Animals on a Cruise and Flooded away.

iForgot.org - If god Invented Humor, then Im sure he has a sense of it.